Have you wanted to write ever since you read Anne of Green Gables in the third grade?

But you’re still not writing . . . at least, not as much as you’d like to write.

If you’ve wanted to write blog posts, poems, memoir or a novel — and you’re not writing yet —I bet you’ve made up some very good excuses for NOT writing.

If you’ve dabbled, say, you’ve written the opening of your memoir 17 times, or if you’ve outlined a series of blog posts, and left your attempts to marinate in a folder labeled “Someday,” you probably have the best excuses of all!!!

Of course, you know where all those excuses lead? To a place spelled R-E-G-R-E-T.

I understand. My excuses are all A+. That’s why I’ve made a list.

Here’s my list of excuses for not writing.

As a writer who’s mastered the fine art of procrastination and has taught creative writing for almost thirty years, below are a few excuses for your reading pleasure.

• “Oh, I’ll start writing… as soon as Mercury is out of retrograde.
• “I can’t possibly write until I’ve completely re-watched The Bachelorette... for research, obviously.”
• “I’ll definitely get to it… after I finish cleaning my kitchen—because spotless ovens = creative genius.”
• “I just need… the right font. I can’t write in Arial. I need something soulful. Garamond?”
• “You know, my creative process really demands… a vintage typewriter. I need to shop the thrift stores.”
• “I would write, but I need to wash my hair.
• And the pièce de résistance: “I’ll write… as soon as I figure out what my book is about. (A good excuse. But put it on paper: check out my Book Blueprint Class.)

Here’s the reality: Whether you’re an aspiring or experienced, professional or hobbyist— you too have great reasons for not writing.

Guess what? If you write your list of excuses, you’ll be writing again . . . and once you start writing who knows what might happen.

Recipe for “Start Writing Now”

• First, open a blank page in your journal.
• Write down all of your excuses for not writing.
• Add 1 teaspoon of humor.
• Whip in 1 cup of irony.
• Turn in a few metaphors.
• Play.
• Read your excuses out loud.
• Tomorrow, pick up your pen tomorrow and write about eggs.
• The next day and the day after that: write about your first car, first kiss, first marriage, first horse, first funeral or last anything.
• The months after that write about anthing that comes to mind or write about nothing. After all, Seinfeld did a whole series about ‘nothing’ and made a fortune.

The Excuses Submission Guidelines. Send in yours.

1. Write your excuses in the comments below. Or email to CreativeLife1@me.com.
2. Please write EXCUSES in big block letters in the subject line of the email or at the top of your comment.
3. DEADLINE: November 1, 2024 (if you want to be published . . . and no deadline if you want to talk about signing up for an Improvisation for Writers Workshop).
4. Please keep the profanities down to a minimum. The ears of our three panelists have heard a lot over the years, and we want you to be original.
5. Feel free to run your excuses through ChatGPT artificial intelligence as part of your creative process (I did.) I also suggest you personalize them, as I did mine. More elbow grease = more interesting.

Submissions.

All excuses are welcome. Send them to us. Write in the comments. Honorable mentions in each category will be published in this column with your byline. The categories include:

• Most Vulnerable
• Most Popular
• Funniest
• Weird and Wonky
• Any Other Categories? This is our first excuse contest, and maybe our last, so we reserve the right to add or subtract guidelines.

And please, if your excuses feel too personal to publish, email me your excuses anyway. Write in the subject line: “EXCUSES: PLEASE DON’T PUBLISH.